The Breukelen Life

The Breukelen Life

Food, Yoga and Travel in Brooklyn

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The ‘What If’ Game

February 23, 2011 , ,

Photo via CNN

I’ve been wondering a lot lately what my life would be like if I didn’t move to New York. At the time, I didn’t think twice about it. I got in a car accident, took the insurance money, packed up two suitcases and went. My poor parents – oh the look on their faces when I told them I was taking the insurance check for the truck they gave me, and getting out of dodge.

I was lucky, already having a best friend here who let me sleep on her couch. She and my dear brother were big influences on the decision that catapulted me up here and for that I will forever be grateful. Ever since I’ve been going. I’ve barely stopped to breathe.

Lately though, things have reached a comfortable chaos. I have an assistant at work; I have interns, my own apartment, a real couch and no regrets about said couch. (No futon here!) And most importantly, besides the couch, I have good friends. So it seems weird to me that now, I would start to question things.

I suppose that question isn’t really the right term for how I’m feeling. Now that things have reached a level of comfort, I’ve reached an impasse of sorts that leaves me wondering how things could have been. This could also be a new diversion tactic that my procrastination has kicked in because I know it’s time to start making decisions.

My brother likes to remind me that IF I never left Butler, PA I would be 300 pounds, living in a trailer with 4 kids and an alcoholic husband. This is true. If I never left Atlanta? Hmmm.

I’m going to guess the same thing but instead I would have a very large house that I don’t need. I would hairspray my hair, wear too much mascara and develop a bigotry that verges on frightening.

So what’s next? Living in New York, in Brooklyn, there’s this undeniable feeling that you are having an experience very little people get to have. I mean, there’s the whole “You are living in New York” thing which is so cliché but true. I feel so lucky and proud that I’ve not only lasted but I’m happy (for the most part) and stable (kind of). Lets face it, no matter how miserable I am in the snow or sleet, I would rather be miserable here than anywhere else in the world. There’s also the fact that you are at the beginning of so many things. There is access to everything – the first fashions of the season, the best food, and the best theater. Some things you take advantage of, some you don’t. But knowing it’s there just blows me away sometimes.

To top off all of that wonderfulness, there’s the gnawing idea that one can’t really settle down here.

How much of a combined income would a couple need? (Don’t do the math. It’s frightening.) That’s a disappointing realization after all of the work that you put into a place: finding a job, learning directions, sidewalk etiquette (yes, there’s a rule you crazy) and making friends just to name a few.

My time here hasn’t been wasted, that’s for sure. But how much is too much? Have I achieved what I set out to achieve here? If I left, what would I do? If I stay, what will I do? Is the little niche I carved out for myself too ingrained into the sidewalk for me to leave now? I’ll be 30 in less than 2 months. This is way to many questions.

And now it’s time to get to work.


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